Sunday, November 29, 2015

Looking back in order to move forward

It's a tough time of year for me and made worse by the news of my pending redundancy. Around this time three years ago me and my husband separated. It didn't help that he ended things by text and I later found out he had slept with someone else while we were married. We had been together around 9 years and married for 7. 

The following year at this time I was also going through redundancy and general hard times still and took an overdose. I didn't tell many people at all and spent a few days in hospital by myself in a lot of pain and being terrified that I was still here but that my organs could shut down. 

The next year around this time I split up with my on/off partner but had lovely friends to look out for me and lean on. It was lovely a lot, but overall it felt like a bit of an up turn. 

This year I'm back at the bottom again and struggling to see how life has improved. Things don't appear to have improved since my overdose. I feel like I've lost so much the last three years. My husband, my Merlin cat, my gran died, my Morgaine cat is terminally ill, my health is shot and I'm without a job and money again and my best friend walked away from me when I first got sick... 

I'm trying to find positives and reasons to keep going. I still have Morgaine and my other two kitties. My family have been an amazing support this year and my other best friends have been there still and have gone above and beyond. I started a new relationship which I'm taking a day at a time (I have a lot of trust issues funnily enough). 

People tell me I'm brave and an inspiration. I don't feel like that at all, I just think I'm doing the best I can to make something from a series of bad situations. I don't like feeling out of control of my own life and it's a struggle to feel like I'm making the decisions for myself. I'm going to try and find strength in MY decision to relocate to Liverpool. Life will always throw things at you out of the blue, but I will keep reminding myself it's up to me how I deal with that. I want to look back, learn from my experiences and moe on with a clean slate from here. 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Making lemonade from lemons

Firstly apologies for the black of updates. November and October were cruel months with my eldest cat Morgaine being diagnosed with two primary tumours and terminal cancer. I've been giving her palliative care at home and she's been responding well to her medication. It'll stop working at some unknown point though and then I'll have to say a final goodbye to her. 

My depression got really bad and I stopped keeping in touch with people and tried burying my head in the sand. This did nothing to help my depression and I'm slowly trying to be more sociable again and get out into the world a little. I met with my employer on Monday this week to discuss my return to work and feeling like I have a life. It would mean I'd be back earning money and have a company car so I'd be able to rejoin my roller derby league, climbing, pole fitness and have more freedom in general. Instead while I've been away the company hasn't done well in the economic market and so instead I'm being made redundant early December instead... Argh!!!

So... What to do... No job, no money, no dates for my remaining two surgeries. Do I try and get another job knowing I'll need time off for two lots of surgery or do I completely start from scratch. Making a snap decision I've decided to cut Mystics with Croydon and relocate to Liverpool, the city I was born in and moved away from in 1999. It's scary as al hell. I don't have a job, I'll have to live with my mum in a small room for 6 months with my cats, I don't know a lot of people and what on earth do I do for work as I have the same problems there waiting for surgery dates. 

My short term plan is move out by the end of December latest, get the flat done up in Jabuary and aim to rent it out for February ideally. I'll look for a job when I'm in Liverpool, something casual. I don't want to stay in my old career of scientific sales and want to use this time to build my own path and make my own decisions so I can do something I love in a city I love.

I have a few friends and family members in the city who will likely get sick of me very quickly! I'm applying to transfer to the lovely Liverpool Roller Birds and joined a knitting group when I was up over August as well as reconnecting with a couple of old friends from school/my mums church. 

I'm trying to see this as a positive thing and not dwell on the terror. This was all decided yesterday and I'll be continuing treatment in London and visiting friends and family in the South as often as I can. I have some truly amazing people in my life here and no way will I be losing touch with a single one of them. I will turn these lemons into lemonade...

Ending on a positive : Recent photo of me DJing for the lovely London Roller Girls from inside a cupboard. This is something I hope to continue doing as the sound guys live in the North West.