Sunday, November 29, 2015

Looking back in order to move forward

It's a tough time of year for me and made worse by the news of my pending redundancy. Around this time three years ago me and my husband separated. It didn't help that he ended things by text and I later found out he had slept with someone else while we were married. We had been together around 9 years and married for 7. 

The following year at this time I was also going through redundancy and general hard times still and took an overdose. I didn't tell many people at all and spent a few days in hospital by myself in a lot of pain and being terrified that I was still here but that my organs could shut down. 

The next year around this time I split up with my on/off partner but had lovely friends to look out for me and lean on. It was lovely a lot, but overall it felt like a bit of an up turn. 

This year I'm back at the bottom again and struggling to see how life has improved. Things don't appear to have improved since my overdose. I feel like I've lost so much the last three years. My husband, my Merlin cat, my gran died, my Morgaine cat is terminally ill, my health is shot and I'm without a job and money again and my best friend walked away from me when I first got sick... 

I'm trying to find positives and reasons to keep going. I still have Morgaine and my other two kitties. My family have been an amazing support this year and my other best friends have been there still and have gone above and beyond. I started a new relationship which I'm taking a day at a time (I have a lot of trust issues funnily enough). 

People tell me I'm brave and an inspiration. I don't feel like that at all, I just think I'm doing the best I can to make something from a series of bad situations. I don't like feeling out of control of my own life and it's a struggle to feel like I'm making the decisions for myself. I'm going to try and find strength in MY decision to relocate to Liverpool. Life will always throw things at you out of the blue, but I will keep reminding myself it's up to me how I deal with that. I want to look back, learn from my experiences and moe on with a clean slate from here. 

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