Sunday, January 24, 2016

Coming back to the track

So my last surgery was nearly four weeks ago now and I'm healing well so far I think. My bowel seems to have settled a lot (I still have oh dear god I smell so bad days) and I have regained a lot of my control now everything is joined back together phew. The wound from where my stoma was is still open but is infection free finally and starting to heal. I still need to wear a dressing at all times so no bath or swimming yet much to my annoyance. I have three more appointments to get it checked plus a consultation with the surgeon next month to do a post op follow up.

My energy levels are still very low but I'm managing to have periods of activity. I've started doing some roller derby training which I cannot tell you how much I've missed! The experience of training as part of a team feels so good. I'm starting in a new city with a new league so it's tough mentally as well as physically. I've had a few nasty anxiety/panic attacks and have been beating myself up about it and not sleeping. I'm really missing the strength, endurance and general ability my body used to have when skating and in general. My feet remember what to do and so does my brain, but my body isn't able to respond as it used to and I find myself falling over my own feet a lot and getting frustrated with myself. My anxiety means I talk non stop which I hate. It must be so annoying for those around me and I can see/hear myself doing it but I can't switch it off or stop which makes me more frustrated and anxious. Hopefully I'll find my place over the next few months and start to relax. Everyone has been really lovely to me so I just need to stop beating myself up about my short comings. 

I will be making lots of lists and goals (yay!) and at the moment my key focus is trying to rebuild my shattered core strength. I've been very careful about listening to my body and it's limitations so will keep doing that so I don't set my recovery back. I just need to accept that it is what it is right now, but I got for before so there is no reason why I can't do it again. I just worry that as I have another operation left that I'll be back at square one again in a couple of months. I'm trying to stay positive and patient, but it's getting harder not to expect more of myself... 

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