Saturday, March 12, 2016

Mothers Day sadness

Last weekend was Mothers Day. I am lucky to have a caring mother still wth me who has opened her home to me to come back to live with her and her husband. I know many are not so fortunate and so I am grateful. What does make me sad is my endometriosis induced infertility. Having children wasn't really part of my plans, but being told you can't have children takes away that choice and has affected me more than I've let on.

As part of my major surgery back in July last year, to get rid of the four large ovarian cysts I had the surgeon used lasers. Basically these destroyed the eggs inside the ovaries. You are born with all your eggs and don't make more during your life so once they are gone then they are gone (hence menopause). It's such a strange feeling that never will I get to be a birth mother and have a mini me running around out there. Of course there are other options; fostering, adoption etc. I can cook a baby in my oven, I just don't have the ingredients! 

It's rough psychologically. I've found I actually am quite good with kids and really love getting them to come out of their shell, relax and play silly games. When my friends have children I'm overjoyed for them, but a little bit inside of me gets sad and upset. I'll never be able to experience that and the small toddler within stamps her feet and shouts that it isn't fair. Sometimes I listen to her and indulge her tantrum. It's hard not to.

So yes, Mothers Day was a sore spot for me this year. I cherish my cats who are my family and I'm glad I have them to give all my love to. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

The waiting game...

Waiting on a date for surgery feels very frustrating. It makes it hard to plan anything as I've said I just need 24hrs notice and I can be in surgery the next day. My pre op was a few weeks ago now and after a couple of courses of antibiotics I am now cleared as fit to have what is hopefully my last planned surgery for a good long time (dare I hope ever...). A date would at least give me something to work around. 

In the meantime I'm working at regaining my fitness. Mostly it feels like I haven't progressed at all, but I am noticing very small improvements. I really should start writing these down at the end of each session immediately so I can track them and focus on the positives. 

Working three days a week at an internship for my dream company is also exhausting, but overall having a structure and a reason to get it of bed feels amazing! I am getting involved with the organisation outside of my job role and had good feedback for my first review. If I'm not at work, there's a 99% chance I'm curled up fast asleep with at least one of my two cats. 

My stoma reversal wound is still open and I have the option of seeing the plastics team to help it heal if it persists. If that involves any kind of cutting of my abdomen then no chance will I do that! Leave my abdomen alone I say! I'd rather have an ugly scar any day of the week. Plus the thought of another operation of any kind just doesn't appeal. Being able to take the dressing off and finally have a bath though would be amazing. Hmm, we shall see how I feel if there isn't significant progress by the end of March. 

One piece of important recovery is I've started to take photographs again. Nothing too exciting yet, but the urge to grab my camera and use it is beginning to return slowly. So far I've spent some time watching and photographing a heron balanced on a small branch from my bedroom window (I am a big fan of heron's). I've also started a project for my work which involves taking photos and writing. Hopefully the first piece will be out later this week. 

Taken on my walk across the park to work. Half of the park was covered in frost and the other green and bright in the sunshine. 

Although I'm not seeing anywhere near as much physical improvement as I would like, some aspects of my recovery are beginning to take form. I'm starting to feel a bit more like I can make things work in a new city and that I haven't made a huge mistake completely starting from scratch. Who knows where I'll end up going from here and I'm a little bit looking forward to finding out.