Saturday, March 12, 2016

Mothers Day sadness

Last weekend was Mothers Day. I am lucky to have a caring mother still wth me who has opened her home to me to come back to live with her and her husband. I know many are not so fortunate and so I am grateful. What does make me sad is my endometriosis induced infertility. Having children wasn't really part of my plans, but being told you can't have children takes away that choice and has affected me more than I've let on.

As part of my major surgery back in July last year, to get rid of the four large ovarian cysts I had the surgeon used lasers. Basically these destroyed the eggs inside the ovaries. You are born with all your eggs and don't make more during your life so once they are gone then they are gone (hence menopause). It's such a strange feeling that never will I get to be a birth mother and have a mini me running around out there. Of course there are other options; fostering, adoption etc. I can cook a baby in my oven, I just don't have the ingredients! 

It's rough psychologically. I've found I actually am quite good with kids and really love getting them to come out of their shell, relax and play silly games. When my friends have children I'm overjoyed for them, but a little bit inside of me gets sad and upset. I'll never be able to experience that and the small toddler within stamps her feet and shouts that it isn't fair. Sometimes I listen to her and indulge her tantrum. It's hard not to.

So yes, Mothers Day was a sore spot for me this year. I cherish my cats who are my family and I'm glad I have them to give all my love to. 

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