Monday, May 16, 2016

Struggling

I have a date for my final planned operation next month to remove my left kidney. Mostly this is brilliant news, I should hopefully be able to stop worrying about when it will be and properly start a new life. I've been putting off so much as I have had this surgery hanging over my head. I haven't really been told what to expect afterwards so I assume it'll pretty much be the same as I am now kidney wise. I think regular blood pressure checks but I'll ask a lot more questions at the hospital next week when I'm down for my pre op. 

This was me the night before my main surgery July 2015. I miss this smooth skin, but at least my insides are more healthy and functional now.


This is how my belly currently looks. The stoma reversal wound has finally healed over (it took nearly 5 months, silver treatments and horrible painful iodine treatments to heal) and I am allowed to have baths! I've just started risking putting bubble bath and bath bombs in as the skin hasn't broken open again in plain bath water. It's the most wonderful luxury 💜 


Honestly I'm very nervous about what the future holds for me. My immune system is terrible, I'm still exhausted all of the time and suffer from a lot of pain. I get brain fog and can't hear when I'm behind people. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'll never be who I was before this nightmare and it's hard not knowing who I will be. Will I ever be well enough to work properly? Will I ever not have to budget my time so I don't do things two days in a row? Will I have a day I don't rush back from being around people so I can go to bed and sleep? 

My depression is back and has hit me very hard the last month or two in particular. I assumed that after surgery is recover and be stronger than ever. Who knows, maybe I will be, but it's going to be a much longer journey than I had imagined. 

I will continue to strive to better myself both mentally and physically. It's tougher than usual at the moment, but there are little glimmers of hope.