Saturday, August 13, 2016

Defying Expectations

I'm back on skates doing full contact. I've managed two mixed scrims so far in the three weeks I've been back and managed to make every single training session my league has had. It comes at a massive cost to me mentally and physically. My endurance and strength are so low and my mental health is very fragile. Once again I'm fighting those two words "used to". 

My friend shared an article with me about the damage of those words and I'm trying to concentrate on the me now and not the me 18 months ago. Reading it helped, but putting it into practise takes a lot of energy that I don't have to spare. It takes so much sheer determination just to step into the track twice a week. To take part in weekly scrimmages is the hardest. I hate to say it but I "used to" play as a jammer (the one who wears the star and scores the points for her team with the help of a great set of blockers). I "used to" be half decent at it. I "used to" enjoy it. Now I get the fear every time I push myself to try it. 

The hardest bit is wanting to be a jammer. People ask would I like to try it and my brain says yes, I'd love to, gimme that star! My body says no. Jamming will take extra energy, strength and endurance I just don't have right now. Sometimes I do it anyway, I take the star and line up ready to give it my best. 

Mentally I'm so hard on myself. Knowing what my body "used to" be able to do. The worst bit is when other people don't appreciate that. I don't want a patronising well done, you did well... Considering... At the same time though I don't want people openly laughing at my attempts to give it a go. I tried a few times today. I got hit out and knocked down. Every time I got back up and carried on. That does not deserve anyone's laughter and taunting. 

I "used to" be a jammer and a skater. Now I'm a skater and a person working hard at coming back and starting YET again, working against chronic physical illness. At least give me the respect for even trying, for attempting to defy expectations placed on me by others and myself. 

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